by Durnford Tue May 19, 2015 12:04 pm
Anyway in the interest of impartiality....
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Rangers job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
Have you heard about the new Hibernian Bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups.
Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Hearts stop buying the refs?”
God Replies, “In the next five years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Hibs stop buying the refs?”
The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Rangers stop buying the refs?”.
God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when Hibs win the Scottish Cup.”
“You crafty ****!” said the fairy.
BREAKING NEWS: David Blaine’s 40-day world record for doing nothing inside a box has been broken by Kenny Miller.
Allan Stubbs is curious how Robbie Neilson’s team went on such a magnificent unbeaten run, so he decides on a visit to Hearts training ground to see how Neilson trains his players.
After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Neilson how he gets his players so sharp. “Well, it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally”. Of course Stubbs wants an example, so Neilson asks Genero Zeefuik to come over. He asks: “Genero, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is not difficult,” Genero answers immediately, “Of course that is me.” “You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp,” Neilson says to Stubbs.
Stubbs decides to bring this into his training the next day. He calls Jason Cummings over. “Jason, I have a question for you,” he says, “He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?” “My God, Allan,” is Jason Cummings reply, “That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night?” Stubbs agrees with the one-night postponement.
So that night Cummings decides to call Terry Butcher. He has been at Hibs, so maybe he knows something about these questions. “Terry Butcher, maybe you know the answer to this question: he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is easy, that is me!” says Terry.
So the next day Jason walks full of confidence to Stubbs. Stubbs asks: “Jason, do you know the answer to my question now?” “Yes it was actually very easy,” he says, “Is it Terry Butcher?”
Stubbs answers, “No of course not you stupid bastard. It’s Genero Zeefuik.”
Ceasefire in Syria as UN send in Kris Boyd – No shots reported so far.
So a hot chick, a nun, a Hearts supporter and a Hibs supporter are sitting together in a train.
They drive through a tunnel and suddenly the lights go out and it is completely dark in the cabin. Then there is a clapping sound just before the train leaves the tunnel. In the light again the Hibs fan is holding his cheek.
So the Hibs fan thinks: “Damn, that Hearts supporter must have tried to touch the hot chick, she must have thought it was me and slapped me in the face.”
The nun thinks: “That’s right. He must have tried to touch that young girl, but she didn’t want it and defended herself”
The girl thinks: “Oh, he surely wanted to touch me, but inadvertently touched the nun and she must have protected herself!”
The Hearts supporter thinks: “Excellent, in the next tunnel I’ll punch that Hibs fan again!”
A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Edinburgh when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke its neck with his bare hands.
Another man rushed to the scene and said, “I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read ‘Hearts fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!”
“No you can’t write that!” replied the man.
“But why not?” said the reporter.
“Because I am not a Hearts fan, that’s why!” replied the man.
“Oh, okay then,” said the reporter, “I will write Hibs supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!”
“You can’t write that either,” said the man.
“Why not?” asked the reporter.
“Because I am a Rangers fan!” replied the man.
“Oh I see,” said the reporter, “How about this then, ‘Weegie mauls family pet!”
